Written by Souad Dreyfus
By Souad Dreyfus, Founder & CEO of Open Arms Surrogacy & Egg Donation
People often ask me what it's like to spend more than two decades helping create families.
They imagine baby announcements, delivery room photos, and joyful tears.
Those moments absolutely exist, and after 23 years, they still move me every single time.
But what most people never see is everything that happens before those moments.
They don't see the conversations that happen after midnight when an intended parent is questioning whether they'll ever become a mother or father. They don't see the surrogate quietly worrying if she's letting everyone down because a transfer didn't work. They don't see the difficult decisions, the ethical dilemmas, or the countless moments where trust matters far more than paperwork.
After more than two decades in this profession, I've learned that successful surrogacy has very little to do with what most people think.
The biggest misconception about surrogacy
People often assume surrogacy is primarily a medical process.
It's not.
Medicine makes pregnancy possible.
People make the journey successful.
The medical protocols are incredibly important, but the emotional side of surrogacy is what determines whether everyone involved feels supported, respected, and cared for throughout the experience.
I've seen intended parents who had every medical advantage struggle because fear took over.
I've also seen families overcome incredible obstacles because everyone involved trusted one another.
Science creates opportunities.
Relationships create successful journeys.
Matching is about psychology, not checklists
One of the questions I hear most is:
"How long does it take to find a surrogate?"
It's the wrong question.
The better question is:
"How do you know she's the right surrogate?"
Matching isn't simply about blood type, insurance, or geography.
It's about personalities.
Communication styles.
Expectations.
Conflict resolution.
Values.
I've learned that the strongest matches happen when people genuinely enjoy one another—not just when they meet the medical criteria.
A successful match is built long before an embryo transfer ever happens.
What intended parents rarely admit
Infertility comes with a tremendous amount of grief.
By the time many intended parents arrive at surrogacy, they've often experienced years of disappointment, failed treatments, financial stress, and heartbreaking losses.
Many quietly carry another burden as well:
Guilt.
They wonder if they're asking too much of another woman.
They worry about whether they'll bond with their baby.
Some even question whether they're "real" parents before the child is ever born.
Those feelings are incredibly common.
And they're nothing to be ashamed of.
Sometimes people don't need another medical explanation.
They simply need someone to tell them they're not alone.
What surrogates actually need
People often describe surrogates as heroes.
While I understand the sentiment, I think they deserve something even more meaningful than praise.
They deserve respect.
Surrogates are mothers.
They're professionals.
They're wives, daughters, friends, and members of their communities.
They aren't simply carrying a pregnancy.
They're balancing families, careers, appointments, emotions, and responsibilities while helping someone else experience parenthood.
The best support isn't treating them like superheroes.
It's treating them like people.
The hardest decisions I've made were the ones where I said "no"
One of the biggest lessons I've learned is that saying yes isn't always the compassionate choice.
I've walked away from intended parents who weren't emotionally prepared.
I've declined surrogate applicants who weren't ready, even when they desperately wanted to help.
I've had difficult conversations that cost my agency business.
Those decisions are never easy.
But ethics have to come before revenue.
Every time.
When you're helping build families, doing what's right matters far more than doing what's profitable.
What every successful journey has in common
People often ask me what separates the journeys that flourish from the ones that struggle.
It isn't wealth.
It isn't where someone lives.
It isn't whether they've been through IVF before.
It's humility.
The strongest journeys happen when everyone remembers they're on the same team.
The intended parents.
The surrogate.
The agency.
The physicians.
The attorneys.
Everyone has the same goal.
Bringing a healthy baby into loving arms.
When people lead with empathy instead of assumptions, communicate openly instead of avoiding difficult conversations, and remember that everyone involved is doing their best, remarkable things happen.
Twenty-three years later
After 23 years, I've helped guide hundreds of journeys.
I've celebrated pregnancies.
I've cried through losses.
I've watched former intended parents send me first-day-of-school photos years after their babies were born.
I've watched surrogates return to help another family because they loved the experience so much.
Those moments remind me that surrogacy isn't simply about having a baby.
It's about building relationships that often last a lifetime.
People sometimes ask when I'll know it's time to retire.
My answer is always the same.
The day watching a baby be placed into the arms of parents for the first time stops bringing tears to my eyes.
Twenty-three years later...
I'm still waiting for that day.
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